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Speaking When someone is called 'a good communicator', we usually mean they are articulate, well-spoken and able to persuade. In fact, talking is probably the least important aspect of communication. We deliver our messages much more through our body and tone of voice: it's estimated that 85% comes through unvoiced body language; 10% through tone of voice, and 5% through actual words. Suzette Haden Elgin suggests that "any words at all can have their meaning cancelled by body language." Listening includes paying attention to all the messages, not just the words. Try this exercise: Practice saying "I want my breakfast" in various ways: open, gentle, whining, angry. Imagine the different undercurrents in these ways of speaking; and imagine trying to guess the undercurrents! When is it my turn? If you make sure your opponent is truly heard, you take the first step to getting a hearing yourself. They will be able to hear what you say when you have heard what they said. Sharing feelings and information in an undefensive way will help your opponent think about the problem, not about you. Since you are thinking about the problem, too, now the two of you are partners - and can work on the problem together. Listening effectively The purpose of listening in conflict is to learn about the other. Remember, if you are the leader in conflict, it's up to you to collect information about their hopes, fears, wants and needs. They won't understand why it's important, but they will appreciate being heard. This means you can create trust at the same time, which benefits you because, in the end, you are more likely to get what you want if they do too. How do we do this? How do we know that a tape recorder is recording? We may get a clue by the red light or the wheel turning, but we are only really sure if we play it back and our words are there. This is true for people, too. For most of us, the experience of really being heard is quite rare. So we grow to expect that the other is not really listening. Conflict competent people learn to communicate that we are listening by reflecting back the words and content of the other. This is hard to do if we are worried that our own feelings and issues will be forgotten - we need to remember that really hearing the other person will lead us to the chance to talk about our interests and concerns. The following are not effective responses. You will not know any more about what the other person really wants. I know what you mean. I have the same problem. (This is sympathy - it doesn't feel nearly as good as empathy to the talker because it changes the topic - from them to you.) Oh, it's not so bad. (This is minimizing - and it can come across to the other person as trivializing, which is sure to make them either defensive or silent.) The way you can change things is to... (This takes their problem away from them, and ignores their feelings.) You can do it. (They will hear: Let's not talk about it any more.) If you would just stop obsessing and get on with your life! (This condemns or judges the other person - use this to shut them up permanently!) Often, the best way to ensure that you are being effective is to use their words to reflect back their feelings and their content. Your insecurity about your job must be very difficult for you. What are you finding difficult about doing this? You are upset about what I said. You are really glad
that we went dancing tonight but you wish I would take lessons.
* denotes law corporation
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